the doer of deeds

‎"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."  --Theodore Roosevelt

 

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I am coming short right now, but soon that effort will pay off.

initiation

 

Last night at boot camp we had an "initiation" for the newbies.  I'm reaching the end of my third six-week session, but I wasn't around for the last one, so this was mine too.

Our trainer kept the details of the initiation a closely guarded secret; he wanted it to be something of a surprise and the cynical side of me was worried I was going to get paddled or forced to walk through coals or something.  However, last week he handed out wooden boards and told us to write our goals (life goals, not just fitness-related) on one side, and what was preventing us from reaching those goals on the other.

The goals were easy.  I put some pretty big dreams on there...making it to open champs, qualifying for the worlds and passing my teacher's exam; finishing my novel and getting published; buying a house (which sadly seems like the most unreachable one right now).  Pinning down what was keeping me from them was harder.  After a lot of thought, I put down a few words.  Self-doubt.  Fear of failure.  Anxiety.  Negativity couched as "being realistic".  The last one has been holding me back for a long time.  In the name of "being realistic", I've pushed a lot of things to the side.

After our workout, our trainer called the newbies up to the front and had us read out our goals to the group.  The rest of the class cheered and whooped and hollered for each of our dreams, and I felt really supported.  Then he had us read our distractions to ourselves for ten seconds, and then placed our boards, distractions-side up, on two dumbbells.  When he finished the countdown, we were going to kick the crap out of those boards and see those distractions and excuses disappear.  I didn't think I could do it on my first try, but I felt a surge of energy jolt through me and all of a sudden my board was in pieces.

It was a really powerful moment, seeing all those excuses and weaknesses get smashed to bits, and it almost brought me to tears.  No more "being realistic".  I am going to dream big and I am going to work hard and I am going to claw my way there.

I went to dance class after that, worked really hard on breaking down and understanding two newish steps, and even though at one point I said I felt like an old dog learning new tricks, I'm going to keep at it until I get it.  I'm not going to make excuses or cut corners.  I'm not going to tell myself that stopping is an option.  I'm going to acheive my dreams and absolutely nothing is going to stand in my way.

yo, vanishing lake

you are MINE.  gonna learn you so good in 2013!



Looking forward to 2013

Oireachtas started off well, at least.  I danced on Friday morning and felt really, really good about my performance.  I handled my nerves and felt relaxed and comfortable on stage.  My timing was dead-on and I was loud, and I felt like I'd danced Jockey the best I'd ever danced it.  My teachers said it looked great.  I was eager for awards to start.

Since there were only nine dancers in my competition, they placed everyone.  "Please don't call my number," I said out loud.  I heard ninth place called, and it wasn't mine.  Then they called my number for 8th.

Standing on that big stage in front of so many people, holding that trophy, trying to smile big while I feverishly thought "what did I do wrong?  what could I have done better?  why did I practically get last?" was a real test in character.  I held off on the tears until I attempted to try on a dress in the used dress room that wouldn't even fit over my bust.  When my fiance called, I had to run to a corner and just cry it out.

I just felt so rejected from the thing that I loved.  I work so hard and come so far, and all I get is a participation trophy.  I've lost around 15 pounds and I still have a body type that's totally atypical for this sport.  It felt like I really loved Irish dance but it was saying there wasn't any place for me.  I wondered if it was time to pack it in.  Maybe I was just destined to be a ceili teacher, or maybe I should just quit outright.

But I thought about the advice contained in this video from Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone's mom.  When her daughter would come home from the gym frustrated and say she wanted to quit, her mom would tell her to wait until she was in the right frame of mind to make a decision, not when emotions were so high.  And when she wasn't upset, she realized she didn't want to quit.  Sure enough, on the car ride home I knew more than ever that I can't give this up.  I love Irish dancing too much to let one performance and one judge's opinion end it all.

So, onto the lists.

Problem spots to work on:
- Carriage issues. I need better posture and to work on my arms.
- Turnout, on left foot especially.
- Stamina to make it through steps, and then working up to two and a half / three.
- Extension and lift, straight knees.
- New, up to date material.
- Drilling the basics.  Clicks, double clicks, back clicks, new tricks, practice, practice, practice.
- Becoming a better, more aware and reliable ceili dancer.

Things to change for presentation:
- A solo dress, especially one that fits.  I've put in an email to a dressmaker and may shop around for others.  I'm convinced there's no one who's my size that's selling secondhand, so I'm just going to have to get it made.
- A long wig.  The bun wig is great but I think it suits dancers with better posture and less round faces.  I'm looking at getting something like the Fiona from Celtic Curls.
- New hardshoes--can check that off the list; Pat Fay fitted me on Saturday and I bought them a half-size smaller than I normally do.  Now to break them in, eugh.

Goals for 2013:
- Compete, with a full slate of dances.  "For sure" competitions are the February Houston feis, the March Dallas feis, the new Austin feis in June, San Antonio, our feis, traditional set at the 2013 O's in DC.
- Qualify for prelims again by getting 1st, 2nd or 3rd in the main prizewinner dances.
- If it works out, try to get on a ceili team.
- Learning the ceili book backwards and forwards, and putting in real time studying.  Even if I'm not going to take the exam right away, it's valuable information.

2012 is almost over and 2013 is on its way.  I'm not the only one in my school that has a chip on their shoulder and something to prove now.  I may have stumbled, but I want to come back untouchable.

Atlanta recap

 

First (two!) competition(s) back: I did fine.  I'm pleased with my results--got dead last in my trad set on Saturday but there were some, er, extenuating circumstances that makes me okay with that (i.e., the musician not knowing my dance and having to play it off an iPod at the wrong speed.  Yikes).  Sunday I placed 2nd, which made me feel much more confident.  I also won my light jig on Saturday--it seems Russell Beaton just luuuhs my dancing, whether it's 2003 or 2013.  I got great comments from the adjudicator who judged my single jig on Sunday; I was the only one in the competition so I'm going to count that as a win.  :D

I'm really glad I was able to try out my dance on stage before the O's, because there was definitely some rust I needed to shake off around competing in general.  I know Jockey well enough that I can start to have fun with it.  I'm going to channel that nervous energy into a great dance.  I saw the Western Region gave out sashes and crystal for their traditional set competition--I'm hoping the Southern Region has made similar purchases.

I'm ready for the regionals but I'm not putting as much pressure on myself now.  I want to do well, mostly for my teammates and my school and teachers, but the big changes start after Oireachtas.  I'm going to be learning new material that will take me all the way to Champs (fingers crossed) and I'm going to be back with a full slate of dances in February.

Next stop, New Orleans!

bye, Houston

 

'sup ATL?

holycrapIcompeteonSaturday

T-minus 5 days

 

...and counting to my return to competition.  Eeep!  I feel like I'm perpetually playing catch-up because there's still so much to work on, but I suppose if you feel like you're ever done perfecting your technique in Irish dancing, you're doing it wrong.

Jumper has been borrowed.  I'll look like I'm at the height of Irish dance fashion if it was 1994, but I don't caaare!  Makeup and some sparkly socks will help modernize me, I think.  (Oh, Irish dance.  Only you.)

Guess who was the six week winner at boot camp and is $50 richer?!  Ten pounds and ten inches, baby.  Let's see if I can do it again before the new year.

Ohhh my glutes.  We did a lot of squats and lunges at boot camp on Saturday and I am still feeling it!

Last but not least, I'm still convinced the champ class is the best group of girls our school has ever had.  Full stop, the end.

dance family

 

Okay, now that I'm not hurting so bad from the feis (after champs on Saturday I sat down and literally didn't know what to do because I was so used to people asking me for things and keeping the feis moving), I can talk about some of the positive things that happened.  Namely, my dance family.

I've heard that phase before about a thousand times--"dance family"--but haven't really felt it, or understood what it meant, until recently.  I always got along with people at the school, and liked them a lot, but I never felt like I really "belonged", and didn't really feel like I had really found my place yet.  That's completely changed over the past few months.

Being feis chair and lead on the fundraiser is part of it; I can actually help in ways I couldn't as a teen.  Being feis chauffeur is part of it; I love being back on the feis circuit even if I haven't officially returned to competition (though that changes in less than two weeks, eep).  I absolutely love all the girls in the championship class right now; they're awesome people and it's been fun getting to know them better.  Assistant teaching is part of it too.  It's a little weird, still being in this mentor-student relationship, but closer to peers.

It all kind of culminated on Saturday at the feis.  I just felt so proud, seeing our girls up on the podium, two of them at the top of the box for their prelims.  I held one mother's hand during the results and cried with her when her daughter got first.  I was so excited when another dancer finally placed in Prelims, which was her goal before the Oireachtas.  The whole school had a really good day, and I was so proud to be part of such an amazing organization.  We're doing it.  We're doing what we always wanted to do.

So then there's the traditional set competition.  It may not mean much, but it's my end goal this year, and I really want to win this.  Not for myself, but for us.  For all the people who doubted us because we're not a huge school that workshops with big-name teachers.  For all the hours my teachers have put in to give us their expertise.  For my classmates, who have improved and sweated and worked their butts off to win through sheer will.  For my dance family, who have supported me and were excited for me when I said I wanted to come back, even though I wasn't in a place where that even seemed feasible yet.

I'm having a hard time putting it into words, but I just want to say that I'm so incredibly thankful for the people who are around me, and that it inspires me to do better, because I want to make them proud too.  I've never wanted success for myself so badly for other people, but I know what that feels like now.  And it's a great feeling, and I'm going to hold tightly onto it and let it fuel me for the next 24 days.

So I co-chaired a feis over the weekend.  That was a thing.  Feeling like I should feel more relieved now that the feis is over, but still on edge because Oireachtas is just around the corner, and Atlanta is now less than 2 weeks away.

I'm 95% sure I have a costume to borrow; just ordered kickpants for it.  After the new year, I'll order my own team dress.  Preliminary, for-real return-to-competition with ALL THE DANCES date is February 2.

Tomorrow I'll find out my final measurements / weight for this session.  Hoping I win that 50 bucks because goldarnit I've earned it.  Shooting for another 10 pounds down before the new year.

Argh.  I feel like my brain melted out my ears this weekend.  The words, I haven't any.  At least my back has (partially) recovered from standing all day on Saturday.

getting back up



I've had a crummy few days.  I attribute that completely to the fact that I wasn't able to dance for the past week or so, due to various circumstances.  But I am consciously making good choices today.  I'm seeking out motivation and encouragement.  I'm doing better.

It's inevitable that I'm going to fall--what matters is whether or not I choose to pick myself up.

get it

550 squats.
550 abs.
50 sprints.
Lunges and hill sprints and high knees in-between.

...and then, the last hour of dance class, in which I was praised for my "excellent timing"--even during Jockey, which I almost didn't do because I was feeling so awful about it.

I have to admit, I think the dancer I once was is creeping back in...and maybe this time, she'll be even better.

I feel like a warrior!

steps forward

No boot camp on Tuesday--I fell victim to the world's fastest-moving cold.  That means boot camp tonight, and dance class too.  Can't believe I'm doing this to myself again, especially after being sick.  This is boot camp week 5, so next week will be my last week for this session.  (I'll figure out how many inches I've lost--I already know it's at least two on my waist.  Whoo!)

Speaking of costumes, I really have no idea what to do.  Kind of want to order a team costume, which would also solve the problem of "what to wear" for competition and allow me to be put on teams, but with my body in flux I wonder if it's just a waste of money.  Would love to look more put together than being in an old, borrowed jumper, but I don't know if it's worth $450 without a guarantee that it'll come in time for the Oireachtas or if it'll even fit.  I had decided to just go ahead and buy it earlier in the week, but then I figured out the seamstress's "Womens' 16" had a 32 inch waist (IN WHUT UNIVERSE?) and I probably wouldn't fit into it for another six months or something.  ARRRGH.  Guess I can always overdo it on the hair and makeup in trying to look more "put together"...

I'm kind of panicking about Jockey--there's this one part that just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE in the set, and I'm having trouble transitioning between feet of the step.  I predict a lot of practice of those tiny pieces in my immediate future.

confidence

I'm so proud of my sister.

Her first Prelim was pretty rough; she forgot her treble jig steps due to nerves, and although she didn't stop she looked a little lost.  If it was a few years ago, back when we were in high school, it might have sunk her confidence completely.  I know it would have devastated me if I had forgotten my steps when I was 18, and had I danced in Prelims after qualifying then.

But she's helping me to believe more in the value of a positive mental attitude.  Instead of taking this as some big cosmic sign that she should never dance again, she's broken the mental barrier of "being in prelims" and has seen it for what it really is: just one day, not a commentary on her entire dancing career.  She didn't even get last.  She got sixths and sevenths in her slip jig, and it's not the best I've seen her dance those steps.  "If I could get 12th with THAT, I'm excited to see what I can do when I'm executing well," she told me.   What would have shattered someone with more negativity is only fueling her fire.

In the past I've really regretted essentially quitting in Prizewinner and not moving onto Prelims.  I shouldn't have quit, what if I had just kept dancing straight through college, what if I had danced at the 2005 Oireachtas, what if I hadn't gotten really depressed during and after college and gained so much weight, what if, what if, what if.  Now I'm starting to think if it was better this way.  I'm so much more sure of myself now.  I don't have the uncontrolled anxiety I had as a teenager.  I don't really care what others think of my body as it is now.  I'm going to do everything I can with it until I reach my limits, and even those are melting away every week.  If I make my debut in Prelims at 28 instead of 18, so what.  I worked damn hard to be where I am right now and I'll work just as hard to get as far as I can.

I am feeling better about executing my steps.  My turnout is improving.  My stamina is almost as good as it ever was.  My rhythm is solid.  I'm even dancing without the leg wraps now.  I'm getting better, one day at a time.

"That was a pretty good feis," my sister told me yesterday while we were getting ready to head over to dance class together, in reference to last weekend.

Yeah.  It totally was.  And I'm going to have a "pretty good feis" of my own someday.

I got the arms like jelly

Oh, boot camp.  You seem so bent on destroying me, and yet I keep bouncing back more quickly than ever.  300+ triceps rows yesterday, on top of a lot of running and Lord knows what else--I think I blocked it out of my memory!  "Only" down 1.2 lbs this week, but that was after a pretty terrible weekend eating-wise and a great weekend otherwise.  I think I'll be back to my usual 3+ lb loss this week easily.

Feis weekend was great, as usual.  I'm feeling nervous / inspired about returning to competition--I didn't expect it would be so soon, but life has a way of surprising you, I guess.  I bought a wig (!) and new soft shoes (!!), both the first in more than half a decade.  This must be really happening!  I have secured help for my wig at Oireachtas and can't think about dancing onstage too much lest I get all fluttery.  However, it just strengthens my resolve that I *am* going to get to prelims, and sooner than I expect, too.

The next feis will be the one I'm co-chairing!  Three and a half weeks to go and we have exactly two musicians and four adjudicators--a full set.  I feel like we're ahead of the game, even though we've got less than a month to go and there's still so much to do.  (Namely, selling ads.  UGH.)

Looking forward to a Thursday, Saturday and Sunday full of dance!

FEIS WEEKEND

Boot camp yesterday--oh my.  Hill sprints.  Lots of them.  Close to 100.  But I helped my team win our challenge, and that felt pretty good!  Trainer singled me out because I have been doing VERY well with my food logs.  :D

And then it was off to dance class!  Surprisingly, I felt pretty great, both before and after dancing.  I think being warmed up and having my muscles nice and loose helped me avoid the shin splints problem that's been plaguing me.  Even left off the leg wraps!  I think that helped my confidence, since the leg wraps just look strange and it's hard for me to know if I look quite right with them.

Jockey is getting tighter.  I found another version on Youtube that's helped me understand the set better (Olive Hurley's is so confusing, since she doesn't properly explain what she's doing), and added a little bit during the stamps to jazz it up.  Danced it all the way through without stopping, and ACTUALLY DID A DOUBLE CLICK during a different step for the first time in six years.  First of many, I hope!

Heading to San Antonio tonight with the crew!  Not competing but still looking to have a great time.

STILL getting RESULTS!

Boot camp yesterday was awesome.  Yes, I've somehow become one of those people who says a really difficult workout was "awesome" and mean it.  WHO AM I?!

There was a lot of running--nearly 50 minutes of continuous movement, including a lot of hill sprints--and I ran for most of it.  It's only been eight weeks since I started boot camp and I already feel like a metaphorical weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I've been telling myself for years that my body just isn't cut out for running--and although I'll never be an Olympic sprinter, I CAN run.  It's learned, just like anything else, and I'm slowly getting better.  My next goal is to run continuously while at boot camp, and then improve my speed.  My limits are melting away!

Another three pounds down this week.  I can feel my jeans getting looser (the cheapo side of me says "NOOO, we just bought those!").  When I told my trainer, he said "Girl, you're acting like you're gonna win that $50!"  Heck yeah I am!

Since I'll be in San Antonio for a dance competition this weekend (I'm not competing, but soon, SOON) I'm doing boot camp AND dance class on Thursday.  I'm not crazy, I'm just addicted.  :)

the comeback kid

I may not be very good now, but "she was good, and got better" doesn't make for a very compelling story.

getting my RESULTS!!!

I am so pumped.  We do weekly weigh-ins at boot camp and I am down almost four pounds from last Tuesday!!!

I have really overhauled the things I eat thanks to having to track it for my trainer every day, and realizing I can eat more quality things if I cut out the chaff of junk food.  I know I'm just a week in, but this really feels sustainable because I'm not eating anything weird or really depriving myself.

I don't expect to see weight loss like that every week, but it feels so good to see my hard work pay off.  I never thought I would be looking forward to getting my measurements taken, but at the end of the six weeks we'll compare our current measurements to the ones taken six weeks ago.  The person with the most inches and weight lost at the end of the session gets $50, and I think I actually might be in the running! I'm so excited to track the changes in my body, since it's hard to gauge with the naked eye.  I already can feel myself becoming more athletic, as I'm getting a lot of practice running at boot camp and am even tackling those dreaded hill sprints with a smile.

Dance related: I've been drilling Jockey over and over again, and only two bars are giving me grief that I'll need to smooth out over the next week or so.  Sis and I have decided to go for the back-to-back comps in Atlanta in November, and I might be debuting Jockey there instead of at the Oireachtas.  Eeep!

It's amazing what a committment to positivity will do, even when you feel like you're not making any progress.  My body says otherwise!

here goes nothing...

Teach said yes.  I'm registered, and Jockey to the Fair it is.  Trying to stay positive, even though I'm hurting and can't dance it all the way through just yet...





Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy...

So the Southern Region is doing a traditional set competition at the Oireachtas.  FINALLY.  I've always thought it was a nice thing to do for the kids who are coming to do teams but not solos, it's another chance to get a medal, etc.  They're offering all seven set dances (St. Pat's, Jockey, Three Seas, Blackbird, Garden, Job & King of the Fairies).

Of course, this got me thinking...since I'm going to be there anyway, preparing for the competition might be a good way to drill basics like turnout, lift and rhythm.  I have to learn the sets anyway for the TCRG, so this might be an excuse to learn a new one.  I've always liked doing the more obscure sets--there was a time when NOBODY did Blackbird--so I'm leaning towards learning Jockey to the Fair.  It's a pretty low pressure return to competition, and at least I'll break that barrier and be able to say "I did it".

The only thing holding me up is a lack of costume--nobody in the Irish dance universe seems to share my dress size, but I have borrowed an adult dancer's costume in the past and danced in it with some minor temporary alterations.  I think I could make do with it again if she'll let me borrow it.

Pending a discussion with the Teach (and I can't see why he'd say no), I guess I'm going to compete for the first time in 6.5 years in 16&O traditional set.

I think I just might be crazy.

71 days.  Holy crap.



RESULTS RESULTS RESULTS!



Boot camp was super great on Tuesday.  We started a new six-week session and I am fired up because I'm not a newbie anymore.  It was nice being able to guide some of the new folks through the exercises and cheer them on.  I can tell my trainer is challenging me, too, because he often divides the group up into different skill levels, and he put me in the "advanced" group this time.  I was the slowest, but I was going the entire time!  I think the weather not reaching "sweltering" levels definitely helps too.  Hopefully by the time next summer comes along I'll be more fit and able to deal with the heat better.

I get so much energy from my fellow campers!  Our trainer designs our workouts to be cooperative, not competitive, so even though we're getting all hot and sweaty, we're doing it together.  At certain points during the workout when we're flagging, our trainer will call out the three initials of the boot camp and we'll yell back "results, results, results!"  It helps us keep focused, and makes us feel like a big family.  I can't describe the positive vibes that flow through the group without sounding all woo-woo, but let's just say this is the best boot camp ever and I'm inspired to do and be better every time I go.

I am actually tracking my food for the first time in a while because now that I'm a full member (was on a Groupon for the first six weeks) I'm accountable to my trainer and it's definitely been scaring me into eating better, at least for now.  Which is a little silly, because my trainer is the exact opposite of scary, but it is eye-opening to be tracking again.  I went to Sprinkles and had a cupcake yesterday after lunch, and when I went to add it into my calorie counter I wished I'd stayed ignorant of how many calories one cupcake could really have.  :-O

My goal for this six weeks at boot camp is to do what the graphic says up there--try hard every day.  I know I can push myself further.  I know I can be faster.  I know I can finally conquer running!  And I'm going to get a little bit closer during this six weeks.

Dance class tonight!  My goal is to dance A LOT and stretch properly before and after.  Boot camp has taught me my limits aren't where I think they are, and I'll keep going until I can't go any more!

reflection

Someday all this sweat and pain and tears will be all worth it.

ouch.

Hmm, so we're back to the "it hurts to walk" stage of shin splints.  I was neglectful about stretching after class so it's partially my own fault. But I'm continuing to feel better about my dancing (even though it's not anywhere near where I really want it, let's be real).  I did Thursday class and practiced solo stuff for about thirty minutes on Sunday, and have been trying to tackle this one troublesome treble jig step.  During that practice session, there was one point where I thought "I'm never going to get this step."  And then I did it!  On the right foot, anyway.  Still working on ol' Lefty.

Despite the shin splint woes, I think for the sake of my self-esteem I need to buy new hard shoes and soft shoes.  I can't tell what the heck my dancing looks like in the dance sneakers I'm currently wearing.  Thinking about the H2 Hullachans or the Rutherford Graces on the soft shoe front...something with lots of padding for my poor tootsies.  Fays forever and always in hard shoes.

The new six-week boot camp session starts up Tuesday.  I've been wanting to do Tuesdays and Saturdays (arms / full body), but maybe I really should do Thursdays (legs).  It's brutal but may be necessary.  But Saturdays are so much fun!  My trainer is really cool so I can bounce back and forth if I wanted (his exact words when I asked if I could alternate Thursdays / Saturdays if I wanted: "it's okay, we real cool").  And during the next six weeks I am DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY, NO EXCUSES going to do three days a week so I won't have this problem.

Goal for this coming week: getting the left & right foot of that treble jig step without hesitation; working on the reel lead I learned a few weeks ago.  It's easy, I just have to put the pieces together.

Onward and upward!

Little steps forward

So, the dance portion of that "sucking for a year" thing.  It's tough.

I think in a lot of ways it's harder coming back to dance when I could do so much before, and don't have the strength / practice / precision to execute things the way I used to.  I remember being able to do this thing, and now I can't.  It's frustrating working back to that level.  Before I quit dance, everything was all possibilities, because I was chasing my personal best. 

At the same time, I've got to question if I could really do all the things I remember doing.  Am I just thinking about it with rose-colored glasses on?  It's been nearly ten years since that time.  Has it just become a bit more idealized and golden with age?

I need to remember this is still about possibilities.  This is about pushing past the mythical "before" barrier and becoming the best dancer I can be, period.  I am going to do everything I can with the body I have now.  I'll worry about the body I have tomorrow later.

To work on:

• Getting those elusive double clicks.  I need to get stronger in order to pull myself off the ground and whip my feet around.
• Turnout and cross--especially in hardshoe.
• Breaking every part of my steps down and doing them over and over again, gradually adding more material until I have the whole step in time with the music.
• Left feet.  Whoops!

Stepping forward

Although I've mentally committed myself to sucking for the next year, I don't think I've quite convinced myself yet.  Boot camp yesterday was brutal.  We're usually in a partially shaded area, but this time we moved to a different place without cover, and I think I just got so wound up about being insaaaanely hot and doing things I don't normally do that are pretty dang hard (the last week is always the most intense), I started having a panic attack.

This is panic attack #2 for me at boot camp.  I really, really need to get over being the slowest in the class.  I have such a mental block about not being able to keep up, I end up flooding my body with anxiety, and before I know it, I can't catch my breath, my chest feels like it's caving in on itself, and my heart is racing faster than it ever would with the longest run.  I'm not really sure how to fix this; hopefully with a new session starting I can build my confidence when it's not quite as difficult early on, and I probably need to start bringing my meds with me.  Above all, I need to remember BOOT CAMP ISN'T A COMPETITION.  The only person I'm competing against is me, and I can always beat last session's Dancer.

Focusing on the positive: I've lost five pounds since the beginning of boot camp.  I don't have a scale at my apartment (in this way lies madness, for me) but I had a doctor's appointment right before I started boot camp, and one yesterday, and I've knocked off five pounds since then.  I have five (!!!) doctor's appointments in the next two months, because I am a Sicky McSickerson, so who needs a scale when you're seeing the doc all the fargin' time?

Secondly, I am DANCING tomorrow!  (And doing boot camp--I'll need lots of positivity to psych myself up for it.)  I haven't learned new material in an age, so I'm pretty rusty at it, but I'll just try to cram everything I can into my brain.  And I'll be dancing and assisting on Sunday too!  I'm going to concentrate on the fun of dance and the challenge of learning new rhythms and steps and love every minute of it.



"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."

So here's the small steps I've been taking to get to where I want to go.

• I went to boot camp on Tuesday and I'm going to go an extra day (this afternoon).  Today is a "legs" day, which I'm kind of scared of thanks to my history of shin splints, but I've been feeling a lot better lately, and strengthening all the other muscles around them will help alleviate the pain.  I will do another full week (3x) next week and then I'll drop down to 2x for the next six weeks.  The six weeks after that will be 3x.
• I have been making a concerted effort to eat better.  I am trying to look at food as fuel for my body, and if it ain't helping me acheive my goals, I don't need it.  My boot camp trainer is going to start me on a meal plan when I begin the new session with regular weigh-ins, so I'll have accountability.
• Dance-wise: my sister is going to teach me some new steps so I have new material to work on.  Once I have the steps, I'll start attending Thursday practice classes as well as Sundays.  During advanced, until I get my steps down, I'll commandeer an empty practice room and work on perfecting tricks / basics and then stamina.  I'm alternately looking forward to and dreading this.  I am going to suck at first (AND THAT'S OKAY, I need to keep telling myself).

And here are my goals:

• For boot camp: not giving up mentally midway.  I know what we're doing is really hard, and people who are more athletic than me are having a hard time with it, but I know half of my fatigue is mental.  Although I feel like the bottom falls out somewhere around minute 30, I can still do it if I dig deep.  So I need to dig deeper.
• Over the next boot camp session: dropping a dress size.  (For those who may be reading this and don't know me--don't worry, I genuinely need this.  I'm not a 2 who wants to get down to a 0 in six weeks or some other nonsense.)
• For dance: learning new material, practicing it, and mentally dancing it in my head until I know it really, really well, even if I can't dance it in practice yet.
• For teaching: becoming more confident in taking charge of a class.  Taking the time to know the dances The Teach has already taught in class backwards and forwards.

Here we go...

An introduction

First off, a little bit about myself: I'm 25, a college graduate, and an Irish dancer in the Southern Region.  I started dancing in 2000, competitively from 2002-2006, and then quit thanks to college and life getting in the way.  I started back up again in late 2010 as an adult dancer, and despite some wobbles with injuries, I've been back since then.

So that's my story, and the present day is what's important.  Because this is about what I haven't done rather than what I've already done.

A few months ago my TCRG blindsided me with a strongly-worded suggestion that I should start studying for the TMRF.  I was floored because I hadn't really expressed this, but it's always been something in the back of my mind.  I've started assisting in the kids' ceili class and am breaking out the ceili book at random intervals to help ingrain those thirty troublesome dances into my head.

However, when I got the application form to peruse, there was a terrifying section that instructed me to summarize my dancing career and acheivements in 250 words or less.  When I brought it up to my teacher, he told me not to worry.  "We can fill in the blanks."  I couldn't help but feeling like my dancing career is ALL blanks.  I started to wobble on whether or not I was up to taking the TCRG.  "Only do whatever you're comfortable with," The Teach told me.

I realized I'm really not comfortable with what I've been doing.

It isn't that I can't pass the exam if I study, or that the examiners are really going to care that I never danced in an Oireachtas--all they're looking for is how well I know the material and how well I can teach.  I realized that it was me that was uncomfortable about that biography.  I didn't want to write "The Dancer used to be really good and qualified for prelims, but she quit before she could dance in a championship".

A while ago I opened up a fortune cookie, and although what's written on most of those silly scraps of paper are generic proverbs that are about as interesting as reading the phone book, this one grabbed me.  It said "Look for the dream that keeps coming back.  It is your destiny."  During the time I wasn't dancing, I tried to find other things I liked as much, and nothing really stuck.  I realized after a lot of stumbles that I didn't need to find something else; I just needed to dance again.  I can't leave dance; it keeps coming back.

So first off, the TMRF isn't really good enough.  I know I can do the TCRG with preparation, and if I don't, I'll be forever wondering "what if"--and that's the whole point of this exercise, to erase the "what if" scenarios.  Secondly, I know myself and I know I won't push myself to do TCRG-standard dancing without the benefit of competition.

I'm in the perfect place to do this, and it's time to stop coming up with excuses.  The Teach is the most supportive TCRG I could possibly find, and if I decide to go after this dream hard, he'll honor that decision.  I'm cross training with a great boot camp that will help me get stronger overall.  I have very little in the way of committments (no kids, not in school, steady job).  From now on, I'm committing myself to sucking for at least a year before I get any better, and that means I have to swallow my pride and just work like an animal until I improve.

In The Little Book of Inspiration for Irish Dancers (a title I'd highly recommend), Sean Connolly talks about the four-minute mile.  Before Roger Bannister broke the under-four minute barrier in 1954, doctors speculated that it was impossible and may even kill the runner.  Now there are many runners, including several high schoolers, who have run a mile under four minutes.  It isn't that we have better technology now, or better nutrition, or anything like that.  Athletes limited themselves to what they knew was possible, and Bannister moved the benchmark.  Competing in championships is my four-minute mile.  The only thing holding me back is my own attitude and expectations.

In some ways, this is one of the scariest things I've ever done, because I'm putting myself out there and this means now I need to be accountable for those dreams.  "Be realistic," says the little voice in my head, who's really saying "you can't".  I'm tired of being realistic, because it means I never try anything at all for fear of failure, or even the ugly bits on the way to success.

I couldn't get any peace about writing that bio because I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of--hence the name of the blog.  So I'm going to start competing again.  And it's going to really, really suck sometimes.  But if I keep pushing, it'll all be worth it.