confidence

I'm so proud of my sister.

Her first Prelim was pretty rough; she forgot her treble jig steps due to nerves, and although she didn't stop she looked a little lost.  If it was a few years ago, back when we were in high school, it might have sunk her confidence completely.  I know it would have devastated me if I had forgotten my steps when I was 18, and had I danced in Prelims after qualifying then.

But she's helping me to believe more in the value of a positive mental attitude.  Instead of taking this as some big cosmic sign that she should never dance again, she's broken the mental barrier of "being in prelims" and has seen it for what it really is: just one day, not a commentary on her entire dancing career.  She didn't even get last.  She got sixths and sevenths in her slip jig, and it's not the best I've seen her dance those steps.  "If I could get 12th with THAT, I'm excited to see what I can do when I'm executing well," she told me.   What would have shattered someone with more negativity is only fueling her fire.

In the past I've really regretted essentially quitting in Prizewinner and not moving onto Prelims.  I shouldn't have quit, what if I had just kept dancing straight through college, what if I had danced at the 2005 Oireachtas, what if I hadn't gotten really depressed during and after college and gained so much weight, what if, what if, what if.  Now I'm starting to think if it was better this way.  I'm so much more sure of myself now.  I don't have the uncontrolled anxiety I had as a teenager.  I don't really care what others think of my body as it is now.  I'm going to do everything I can with it until I reach my limits, and even those are melting away every week.  If I make my debut in Prelims at 28 instead of 18, so what.  I worked damn hard to be where I am right now and I'll work just as hard to get as far as I can.

I am feeling better about executing my steps.  My turnout is improving.  My stamina is almost as good as it ever was.  My rhythm is solid.  I'm even dancing without the leg wraps now.  I'm getting better, one day at a time.

"That was a pretty good feis," my sister told me yesterday while we were getting ready to head over to dance class together, in reference to last weekend.

Yeah.  It totally was.  And I'm going to have a "pretty good feis" of my own someday.