Although I've mentally committed myself to sucking for the next year, I don't think I've quite convinced myself yet. Boot camp yesterday was brutal. We're usually in a partially shaded area, but this time we moved to a different place without cover, and I think I just got so wound up about being insaaaanely hot and doing things I don't normally do that are pretty dang hard (the last week is always the most intense), I started having a panic attack.
This is panic attack #2 for me at boot camp. I really, really need to get over being the slowest in the class. I have such a mental block about not being able to keep up, I end up flooding my body with anxiety, and before I know it, I can't catch my breath, my chest feels like it's caving in on itself, and my heart is racing faster than it ever would with the longest run. I'm not really sure how to fix this; hopefully with a new session starting I can build my confidence when it's not quite as difficult early on, and I probably need to start bringing my meds with me. Above all, I need to remember BOOT CAMP ISN'T A COMPETITION. The only person I'm competing against is me, and I can always beat last session's Dancer.
Focusing on the positive: I've lost five pounds since the beginning of boot camp. I don't have a scale at my apartment (in this way lies madness, for me) but I had a doctor's appointment right before I started boot camp, and one yesterday, and I've knocked off five pounds since then. I have five (!!!) doctor's appointments in the next two months, because I am a Sicky McSickerson, so who needs a scale when you're seeing the doc all the fargin' time?
Secondly, I am DANCING tomorrow! (And doing boot camp--I'll need lots of positivity to psych myself up for it.) I haven't learned new material in an age, so I'm pretty rusty at it, but I'll just try to cram everything I can into my brain. And I'll be dancing and assisting on Sunday too! I'm going to concentrate on the fun of dance and the challenge of learning new rhythms and steps and love every minute of it.
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