initiation

 

Last night at boot camp we had an "initiation" for the newbies.  I'm reaching the end of my third six-week session, but I wasn't around for the last one, so this was mine too.

Our trainer kept the details of the initiation a closely guarded secret; he wanted it to be something of a surprise and the cynical side of me was worried I was going to get paddled or forced to walk through coals or something.  However, last week he handed out wooden boards and told us to write our goals (life goals, not just fitness-related) on one side, and what was preventing us from reaching those goals on the other.

The goals were easy.  I put some pretty big dreams on there...making it to open champs, qualifying for the worlds and passing my teacher's exam; finishing my novel and getting published; buying a house (which sadly seems like the most unreachable one right now).  Pinning down what was keeping me from them was harder.  After a lot of thought, I put down a few words.  Self-doubt.  Fear of failure.  Anxiety.  Negativity couched as "being realistic".  The last one has been holding me back for a long time.  In the name of "being realistic", I've pushed a lot of things to the side.

After our workout, our trainer called the newbies up to the front and had us read out our goals to the group.  The rest of the class cheered and whooped and hollered for each of our dreams, and I felt really supported.  Then he had us read our distractions to ourselves for ten seconds, and then placed our boards, distractions-side up, on two dumbbells.  When he finished the countdown, we were going to kick the crap out of those boards and see those distractions and excuses disappear.  I didn't think I could do it on my first try, but I felt a surge of energy jolt through me and all of a sudden my board was in pieces.

It was a really powerful moment, seeing all those excuses and weaknesses get smashed to bits, and it almost brought me to tears.  No more "being realistic".  I am going to dream big and I am going to work hard and I am going to claw my way there.

I went to dance class after that, worked really hard on breaking down and understanding two newish steps, and even though at one point I said I felt like an old dog learning new tricks, I'm going to keep at it until I get it.  I'm not going to make excuses or cut corners.  I'm not going to tell myself that stopping is an option.  I'm going to acheive my dreams and absolutely nothing is going to stand in my way.