the comeback kid

I may not be very good now, but "she was good, and got better" doesn't make for a very compelling story.

getting my RESULTS!!!

I am so pumped.  We do weekly weigh-ins at boot camp and I am down almost four pounds from last Tuesday!!!

I have really overhauled the things I eat thanks to having to track it for my trainer every day, and realizing I can eat more quality things if I cut out the chaff of junk food.  I know I'm just a week in, but this really feels sustainable because I'm not eating anything weird or really depriving myself.

I don't expect to see weight loss like that every week, but it feels so good to see my hard work pay off.  I never thought I would be looking forward to getting my measurements taken, but at the end of the six weeks we'll compare our current measurements to the ones taken six weeks ago.  The person with the most inches and weight lost at the end of the session gets $50, and I think I actually might be in the running! I'm so excited to track the changes in my body, since it's hard to gauge with the naked eye.  I already can feel myself becoming more athletic, as I'm getting a lot of practice running at boot camp and am even tackling those dreaded hill sprints with a smile.

Dance related: I've been drilling Jockey over and over again, and only two bars are giving me grief that I'll need to smooth out over the next week or so.  Sis and I have decided to go for the back-to-back comps in Atlanta in November, and I might be debuting Jockey there instead of at the Oireachtas.  Eeep!

It's amazing what a committment to positivity will do, even when you feel like you're not making any progress.  My body says otherwise!

here goes nothing...

Teach said yes.  I'm registered, and Jockey to the Fair it is.  Trying to stay positive, even though I'm hurting and can't dance it all the way through just yet...





Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy...

So the Southern Region is doing a traditional set competition at the Oireachtas.  FINALLY.  I've always thought it was a nice thing to do for the kids who are coming to do teams but not solos, it's another chance to get a medal, etc.  They're offering all seven set dances (St. Pat's, Jockey, Three Seas, Blackbird, Garden, Job & King of the Fairies).

Of course, this got me thinking...since I'm going to be there anyway, preparing for the competition might be a good way to drill basics like turnout, lift and rhythm.  I have to learn the sets anyway for the TCRG, so this might be an excuse to learn a new one.  I've always liked doing the more obscure sets--there was a time when NOBODY did Blackbird--so I'm leaning towards learning Jockey to the Fair.  It's a pretty low pressure return to competition, and at least I'll break that barrier and be able to say "I did it".

The only thing holding me up is a lack of costume--nobody in the Irish dance universe seems to share my dress size, but I have borrowed an adult dancer's costume in the past and danced in it with some minor temporary alterations.  I think I could make do with it again if she'll let me borrow it.

Pending a discussion with the Teach (and I can't see why he'd say no), I guess I'm going to compete for the first time in 6.5 years in 16&O traditional set.

I think I just might be crazy.

71 days.  Holy crap.



RESULTS RESULTS RESULTS!



Boot camp was super great on Tuesday.  We started a new six-week session and I am fired up because I'm not a newbie anymore.  It was nice being able to guide some of the new folks through the exercises and cheer them on.  I can tell my trainer is challenging me, too, because he often divides the group up into different skill levels, and he put me in the "advanced" group this time.  I was the slowest, but I was going the entire time!  I think the weather not reaching "sweltering" levels definitely helps too.  Hopefully by the time next summer comes along I'll be more fit and able to deal with the heat better.

I get so much energy from my fellow campers!  Our trainer designs our workouts to be cooperative, not competitive, so even though we're getting all hot and sweaty, we're doing it together.  At certain points during the workout when we're flagging, our trainer will call out the three initials of the boot camp and we'll yell back "results, results, results!"  It helps us keep focused, and makes us feel like a big family.  I can't describe the positive vibes that flow through the group without sounding all woo-woo, but let's just say this is the best boot camp ever and I'm inspired to do and be better every time I go.

I am actually tracking my food for the first time in a while because now that I'm a full member (was on a Groupon for the first six weeks) I'm accountable to my trainer and it's definitely been scaring me into eating better, at least for now.  Which is a little silly, because my trainer is the exact opposite of scary, but it is eye-opening to be tracking again.  I went to Sprinkles and had a cupcake yesterday after lunch, and when I went to add it into my calorie counter I wished I'd stayed ignorant of how many calories one cupcake could really have.  :-O

My goal for this six weeks at boot camp is to do what the graphic says up there--try hard every day.  I know I can push myself further.  I know I can be faster.  I know I can finally conquer running!  And I'm going to get a little bit closer during this six weeks.

Dance class tonight!  My goal is to dance A LOT and stretch properly before and after.  Boot camp has taught me my limits aren't where I think they are, and I'll keep going until I can't go any more!

reflection

Someday all this sweat and pain and tears will be all worth it.

ouch.

Hmm, so we're back to the "it hurts to walk" stage of shin splints.  I was neglectful about stretching after class so it's partially my own fault. But I'm continuing to feel better about my dancing (even though it's not anywhere near where I really want it, let's be real).  I did Thursday class and practiced solo stuff for about thirty minutes on Sunday, and have been trying to tackle this one troublesome treble jig step.  During that practice session, there was one point where I thought "I'm never going to get this step."  And then I did it!  On the right foot, anyway.  Still working on ol' Lefty.

Despite the shin splint woes, I think for the sake of my self-esteem I need to buy new hard shoes and soft shoes.  I can't tell what the heck my dancing looks like in the dance sneakers I'm currently wearing.  Thinking about the H2 Hullachans or the Rutherford Graces on the soft shoe front...something with lots of padding for my poor tootsies.  Fays forever and always in hard shoes.

The new six-week boot camp session starts up Tuesday.  I've been wanting to do Tuesdays and Saturdays (arms / full body), but maybe I really should do Thursdays (legs).  It's brutal but may be necessary.  But Saturdays are so much fun!  My trainer is really cool so I can bounce back and forth if I wanted (his exact words when I asked if I could alternate Thursdays / Saturdays if I wanted: "it's okay, we real cool").  And during the next six weeks I am DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY, NO EXCUSES going to do three days a week so I won't have this problem.

Goal for this coming week: getting the left & right foot of that treble jig step without hesitation; working on the reel lead I learned a few weeks ago.  It's easy, I just have to put the pieces together.

Onward and upward!

Little steps forward

So, the dance portion of that "sucking for a year" thing.  It's tough.

I think in a lot of ways it's harder coming back to dance when I could do so much before, and don't have the strength / practice / precision to execute things the way I used to.  I remember being able to do this thing, and now I can't.  It's frustrating working back to that level.  Before I quit dance, everything was all possibilities, because I was chasing my personal best. 

At the same time, I've got to question if I could really do all the things I remember doing.  Am I just thinking about it with rose-colored glasses on?  It's been nearly ten years since that time.  Has it just become a bit more idealized and golden with age?

I need to remember this is still about possibilities.  This is about pushing past the mythical "before" barrier and becoming the best dancer I can be, period.  I am going to do everything I can with the body I have now.  I'll worry about the body I have tomorrow later.

To work on:

• Getting those elusive double clicks.  I need to get stronger in order to pull myself off the ground and whip my feet around.
• Turnout and cross--especially in hardshoe.
• Breaking every part of my steps down and doing them over and over again, gradually adding more material until I have the whole step in time with the music.
• Left feet.  Whoops!

Stepping forward

Although I've mentally committed myself to sucking for the next year, I don't think I've quite convinced myself yet.  Boot camp yesterday was brutal.  We're usually in a partially shaded area, but this time we moved to a different place without cover, and I think I just got so wound up about being insaaaanely hot and doing things I don't normally do that are pretty dang hard (the last week is always the most intense), I started having a panic attack.

This is panic attack #2 for me at boot camp.  I really, really need to get over being the slowest in the class.  I have such a mental block about not being able to keep up, I end up flooding my body with anxiety, and before I know it, I can't catch my breath, my chest feels like it's caving in on itself, and my heart is racing faster than it ever would with the longest run.  I'm not really sure how to fix this; hopefully with a new session starting I can build my confidence when it's not quite as difficult early on, and I probably need to start bringing my meds with me.  Above all, I need to remember BOOT CAMP ISN'T A COMPETITION.  The only person I'm competing against is me, and I can always beat last session's Dancer.

Focusing on the positive: I've lost five pounds since the beginning of boot camp.  I don't have a scale at my apartment (in this way lies madness, for me) but I had a doctor's appointment right before I started boot camp, and one yesterday, and I've knocked off five pounds since then.  I have five (!!!) doctor's appointments in the next two months, because I am a Sicky McSickerson, so who needs a scale when you're seeing the doc all the fargin' time?

Secondly, I am DANCING tomorrow!  (And doing boot camp--I'll need lots of positivity to psych myself up for it.)  I haven't learned new material in an age, so I'm pretty rusty at it, but I'll just try to cram everything I can into my brain.  And I'll be dancing and assisting on Sunday too!  I'm going to concentrate on the fun of dance and the challenge of learning new rhythms and steps and love every minute of it.



"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."

So here's the small steps I've been taking to get to where I want to go.

• I went to boot camp on Tuesday and I'm going to go an extra day (this afternoon).  Today is a "legs" day, which I'm kind of scared of thanks to my history of shin splints, but I've been feeling a lot better lately, and strengthening all the other muscles around them will help alleviate the pain.  I will do another full week (3x) next week and then I'll drop down to 2x for the next six weeks.  The six weeks after that will be 3x.
• I have been making a concerted effort to eat better.  I am trying to look at food as fuel for my body, and if it ain't helping me acheive my goals, I don't need it.  My boot camp trainer is going to start me on a meal plan when I begin the new session with regular weigh-ins, so I'll have accountability.
• Dance-wise: my sister is going to teach me some new steps so I have new material to work on.  Once I have the steps, I'll start attending Thursday practice classes as well as Sundays.  During advanced, until I get my steps down, I'll commandeer an empty practice room and work on perfecting tricks / basics and then stamina.  I'm alternately looking forward to and dreading this.  I am going to suck at first (AND THAT'S OKAY, I need to keep telling myself).

And here are my goals:

• For boot camp: not giving up mentally midway.  I know what we're doing is really hard, and people who are more athletic than me are having a hard time with it, but I know half of my fatigue is mental.  Although I feel like the bottom falls out somewhere around minute 30, I can still do it if I dig deep.  So I need to dig deeper.
• Over the next boot camp session: dropping a dress size.  (For those who may be reading this and don't know me--don't worry, I genuinely need this.  I'm not a 2 who wants to get down to a 0 in six weeks or some other nonsense.)
• For dance: learning new material, practicing it, and mentally dancing it in my head until I know it really, really well, even if I can't dance it in practice yet.
• For teaching: becoming more confident in taking charge of a class.  Taking the time to know the dances The Teach has already taught in class backwards and forwards.

Here we go...

An introduction

First off, a little bit about myself: I'm 25, a college graduate, and an Irish dancer in the Southern Region.  I started dancing in 2000, competitively from 2002-2006, and then quit thanks to college and life getting in the way.  I started back up again in late 2010 as an adult dancer, and despite some wobbles with injuries, I've been back since then.

So that's my story, and the present day is what's important.  Because this is about what I haven't done rather than what I've already done.

A few months ago my TCRG blindsided me with a strongly-worded suggestion that I should start studying for the TMRF.  I was floored because I hadn't really expressed this, but it's always been something in the back of my mind.  I've started assisting in the kids' ceili class and am breaking out the ceili book at random intervals to help ingrain those thirty troublesome dances into my head.

However, when I got the application form to peruse, there was a terrifying section that instructed me to summarize my dancing career and acheivements in 250 words or less.  When I brought it up to my teacher, he told me not to worry.  "We can fill in the blanks."  I couldn't help but feeling like my dancing career is ALL blanks.  I started to wobble on whether or not I was up to taking the TCRG.  "Only do whatever you're comfortable with," The Teach told me.

I realized I'm really not comfortable with what I've been doing.

It isn't that I can't pass the exam if I study, or that the examiners are really going to care that I never danced in an Oireachtas--all they're looking for is how well I know the material and how well I can teach.  I realized that it was me that was uncomfortable about that biography.  I didn't want to write "The Dancer used to be really good and qualified for prelims, but she quit before she could dance in a championship".

A while ago I opened up a fortune cookie, and although what's written on most of those silly scraps of paper are generic proverbs that are about as interesting as reading the phone book, this one grabbed me.  It said "Look for the dream that keeps coming back.  It is your destiny."  During the time I wasn't dancing, I tried to find other things I liked as much, and nothing really stuck.  I realized after a lot of stumbles that I didn't need to find something else; I just needed to dance again.  I can't leave dance; it keeps coming back.

So first off, the TMRF isn't really good enough.  I know I can do the TCRG with preparation, and if I don't, I'll be forever wondering "what if"--and that's the whole point of this exercise, to erase the "what if" scenarios.  Secondly, I know myself and I know I won't push myself to do TCRG-standard dancing without the benefit of competition.

I'm in the perfect place to do this, and it's time to stop coming up with excuses.  The Teach is the most supportive TCRG I could possibly find, and if I decide to go after this dream hard, he'll honor that decision.  I'm cross training with a great boot camp that will help me get stronger overall.  I have very little in the way of committments (no kids, not in school, steady job).  From now on, I'm committing myself to sucking for at least a year before I get any better, and that means I have to swallow my pride and just work like an animal until I improve.

In The Little Book of Inspiration for Irish Dancers (a title I'd highly recommend), Sean Connolly talks about the four-minute mile.  Before Roger Bannister broke the under-four minute barrier in 1954, doctors speculated that it was impossible and may even kill the runner.  Now there are many runners, including several high schoolers, who have run a mile under four minutes.  It isn't that we have better technology now, or better nutrition, or anything like that.  Athletes limited themselves to what they knew was possible, and Bannister moved the benchmark.  Competing in championships is my four-minute mile.  The only thing holding me back is my own attitude and expectations.

In some ways, this is one of the scariest things I've ever done, because I'm putting myself out there and this means now I need to be accountable for those dreams.  "Be realistic," says the little voice in my head, who's really saying "you can't".  I'm tired of being realistic, because it means I never try anything at all for fear of failure, or even the ugly bits on the way to success.

I couldn't get any peace about writing that bio because I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of--hence the name of the blog.  So I'm going to start competing again.  And it's going to really, really suck sometimes.  But if I keep pushing, it'll all be worth it.