the doer of deeds

‎"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly."  --Theodore Roosevelt

 

---



I am coming short right now, but soon that effort will pay off.

initiation

 

Last night at boot camp we had an "initiation" for the newbies.  I'm reaching the end of my third six-week session, but I wasn't around for the last one, so this was mine too.

Our trainer kept the details of the initiation a closely guarded secret; he wanted it to be something of a surprise and the cynical side of me was worried I was going to get paddled or forced to walk through coals or something.  However, last week he handed out wooden boards and told us to write our goals (life goals, not just fitness-related) on one side, and what was preventing us from reaching those goals on the other.

The goals were easy.  I put some pretty big dreams on there...making it to open champs, qualifying for the worlds and passing my teacher's exam; finishing my novel and getting published; buying a house (which sadly seems like the most unreachable one right now).  Pinning down what was keeping me from them was harder.  After a lot of thought, I put down a few words.  Self-doubt.  Fear of failure.  Anxiety.  Negativity couched as "being realistic".  The last one has been holding me back for a long time.  In the name of "being realistic", I've pushed a lot of things to the side.

After our workout, our trainer called the newbies up to the front and had us read out our goals to the group.  The rest of the class cheered and whooped and hollered for each of our dreams, and I felt really supported.  Then he had us read our distractions to ourselves for ten seconds, and then placed our boards, distractions-side up, on two dumbbells.  When he finished the countdown, we were going to kick the crap out of those boards and see those distractions and excuses disappear.  I didn't think I could do it on my first try, but I felt a surge of energy jolt through me and all of a sudden my board was in pieces.

It was a really powerful moment, seeing all those excuses and weaknesses get smashed to bits, and it almost brought me to tears.  No more "being realistic".  I am going to dream big and I am going to work hard and I am going to claw my way there.

I went to dance class after that, worked really hard on breaking down and understanding two newish steps, and even though at one point I said I felt like an old dog learning new tricks, I'm going to keep at it until I get it.  I'm not going to make excuses or cut corners.  I'm not going to tell myself that stopping is an option.  I'm going to acheive my dreams and absolutely nothing is going to stand in my way.

yo, vanishing lake

you are MINE.  gonna learn you so good in 2013!



Looking forward to 2013

Oireachtas started off well, at least.  I danced on Friday morning and felt really, really good about my performance.  I handled my nerves and felt relaxed and comfortable on stage.  My timing was dead-on and I was loud, and I felt like I'd danced Jockey the best I'd ever danced it.  My teachers said it looked great.  I was eager for awards to start.

Since there were only nine dancers in my competition, they placed everyone.  "Please don't call my number," I said out loud.  I heard ninth place called, and it wasn't mine.  Then they called my number for 8th.

Standing on that big stage in front of so many people, holding that trophy, trying to smile big while I feverishly thought "what did I do wrong?  what could I have done better?  why did I practically get last?" was a real test in character.  I held off on the tears until I attempted to try on a dress in the used dress room that wouldn't even fit over my bust.  When my fiance called, I had to run to a corner and just cry it out.

I just felt so rejected from the thing that I loved.  I work so hard and come so far, and all I get is a participation trophy.  I've lost around 15 pounds and I still have a body type that's totally atypical for this sport.  It felt like I really loved Irish dance but it was saying there wasn't any place for me.  I wondered if it was time to pack it in.  Maybe I was just destined to be a ceili teacher, or maybe I should just quit outright.

But I thought about the advice contained in this video from Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone's mom.  When her daughter would come home from the gym frustrated and say she wanted to quit, her mom would tell her to wait until she was in the right frame of mind to make a decision, not when emotions were so high.  And when she wasn't upset, she realized she didn't want to quit.  Sure enough, on the car ride home I knew more than ever that I can't give this up.  I love Irish dancing too much to let one performance and one judge's opinion end it all.

So, onto the lists.

Problem spots to work on:
- Carriage issues. I need better posture and to work on my arms.
- Turnout, on left foot especially.
- Stamina to make it through steps, and then working up to two and a half / three.
- Extension and lift, straight knees.
- New, up to date material.
- Drilling the basics.  Clicks, double clicks, back clicks, new tricks, practice, practice, practice.
- Becoming a better, more aware and reliable ceili dancer.

Things to change for presentation:
- A solo dress, especially one that fits.  I've put in an email to a dressmaker and may shop around for others.  I'm convinced there's no one who's my size that's selling secondhand, so I'm just going to have to get it made.
- A long wig.  The bun wig is great but I think it suits dancers with better posture and less round faces.  I'm looking at getting something like the Fiona from Celtic Curls.
- New hardshoes--can check that off the list; Pat Fay fitted me on Saturday and I bought them a half-size smaller than I normally do.  Now to break them in, eugh.

Goals for 2013:
- Compete, with a full slate of dances.  "For sure" competitions are the February Houston feis, the March Dallas feis, the new Austin feis in June, San Antonio, our feis, traditional set at the 2013 O's in DC.
- Qualify for prelims again by getting 1st, 2nd or 3rd in the main prizewinner dances.
- If it works out, try to get on a ceili team.
- Learning the ceili book backwards and forwards, and putting in real time studying.  Even if I'm not going to take the exam right away, it's valuable information.

2012 is almost over and 2013 is on its way.  I'm not the only one in my school that has a chip on their shoulder and something to prove now.  I may have stumbled, but I want to come back untouchable.